over my head, like in cartoons when it's only raining on the one guy
and it follows him around wherever he goes, even indoors. That guy is
me.
2) That's the thing \ your body tries to keep you alive no matter what
you do. I've got to think of a way to kill myself that I can't turn
back from.
3) On the bus ride home, I sit by myself. I lean my head against the
cold glass window and try not to think about all the stupid things
I've done, all the bad things I've done, and all the pain I've caused
everyone.
4) Stop. It's not time to do this now. Stop trying to unwrap me.
Everything hurts. Please don't do this now. I wish I could talk and
say something so she'd understand me.
5) If they unplug me, I'll die. If they unplug me, I'll die. I could
die. Maybe I should ask them to unplug me. But I don't want to die
anymore.
6) Everything hurts, and it's so much worse than before. All I want is
for there to be less pain and or them to stop hurting me. I know they
mean well. I know it. But God, it hurts.
7) I think we used to say we loved each other too much. Mom and Dad
used to make us say we loved each other every night before we went to
bed, and since we said it all the time, it was like it didn't mean
anything, but now when we say it, it feels like we really mean it.
8) I wished I had a gun because if I had a gun, I'd put that bullet in
it and put it in my mouth and squeeze the trigger and make it all go
away.
9) I didn't realize I was such a monster. I don't know why, but I
didn't.
10) She said I should be grateful that I didn't remember such terrible
things, but I don't want to forget anything. I don't care if they are
terrible memories. They're mine.
11) And I'm different now. I don't do those things. I'm sorry. I was
making mistakes. I didn't know what I was doing and I couldn't stop.
12) Don't make me leave.
Fuck it, it's fucking useless.
13) Reggie, the tall skinny black guy who used to help me get out of
bed, says that when I leave here, I'm going to forget all about him.
That's not true. That is so not true. First of all, the people here
are my best friends in the entire world and they love me for who I am
and they don't care about anything I did before, they just love me.
14) I'm not going to cover anything up. This is me.
15) I feel sad and sick and tired inside, and I'm crying, I don't want
to be crying, but I am. I just can't do this anymore. I just can't go
on doing this anymore. I just want it to stop. Please stop. Please.
16) I would stand next to the open balconies and look down. I used to
wonder what it would be like to fall. Would I be scared or would I
just relax and enjoy the view as I fell? Would I feel it when I hit
the ground or would my neck just snap against the floor? I used to
like that feeling, of being right on the edge, ready to let gravity do
all the work, but now I don't even like looking at the holes in the
floor.
17) Maybe it's weird that I never think about suicide anymore, but I
don't know. You only get to live for such a short time anyway. It
doesn't make sense to kill yourself.
18) Before everything, I used to do this thing when I was upset \ I
used to take all my feelings and push them down inside me. It was like
they were garbage and I was compacting it to get more in. I felt like
I could keep pushing all my feelings down into my socks and I wouldn't
have to wory about them. I don't think I do that anymore.
19) Every time I open my mouth to say what I'm feeling, something
stops me and I have to make sire I'm not going to say anything stupid.
It makes me crazy. And then, once I've figured out what I'm going to
say, I have to go over it, over and over again, just to see if what
I'm feeling is right. And then I have to figure out how to say it.
Like, if I want to say, I feel sad, do I say, I feel sad, or, I feel
so sad, or Sad I do feel, or what? How about, Feeling sad am I. How
about, I'm the saddest boy in the world.
Sometimes, when I'm feeling something really strongly, the next
thing I know I'm singing some song that's almost exactly what I feel,
and I don't even know I'm doing it.
20) There's too much to think about. Too much to think about, at
night, here in this room.
A car comes down the street and the headlights show up on the wall
across the room. The light moves down the wall toward my head and
disappears again. I wonder where light goes when it's not here. I
mean, I know that darkness is the absence of light, but where does the
light go when it's not here? And how do you know if it'll ever come
back?
21) It's hard to go to sleep when you're thinking about everything. I
always had trouble going to sleep, even when I was a little kid. I
couldn't stop thinking about the things I'd said during the day. All
the stupid faces I'd made and the dumb jokes I'd made. And then when I
got older, I started thinking about really bad stuff. I used to think
about killing different people.
22) I guess I don't really believe in God, like how people normally
talk about Godc I mean, we can't really know about stuff like that,
about God or anything like that, until after we're dead. But I think,
maybe, it's possible that there is something that exists that is
bigger and, kind of, around us, but I don't know what that is.
23) I think that maybe, if human beings have souls, that maybe their
souls are in their eyes. That maybe that's what the color is. Their
wouldc I mean, the actual color is kind of like your spirit, like your
soul. And the black space, maybe the black space is the tunnel that
people talk about when they die. Do you know what I mean? Like when
you die, you go into the eyes of the person you're looking at and walk
through their eyes and, at the other end, that's where heaven is.
24) The only problem with seeing people you know is that they know you.
25) I close my eyes for a second and think about what my wish should
be. Should I wish that I have sex in the next year? Should I wish that
Megan will fall in love with me? Should I wish to be funnier? Or that
everything would go back to the way it was before?
No. I know what I'm going to wish.
I wish that everyone will be happy, that everyone gets through
this okay. That's what I wish.
26) God, I feel like my whole life could fit in one of these trash bags.
27) I don't know why I did it. I was just so sad. I was so sad. I
don't know why.
28) But I remember that I knew it couldn't last. It couldn't last, and
it didn't. I knew it was going to get cold when I came home. I knew I
was going to get in trouble somehow. I knew I wasn't going to make it
through the winter because the winter is so long. I knew when I got to
February that I wouldn't male it. February is the longest month.
miki
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