friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's
nose." This seemed like a reasonably astute observation to me when I
was eight, but it turns out to be incorrect on a few levels. To begin
with, you can't possible pick your friends, or else I never would have
ended up with Tiny Cooper.
2) I'm not cynical... I'm practical.
3) I don't really understand the (I)point(i) if crying. Also, I feel
that crying is almost \ like aside from deaths of relatives or
whatever \ totally avoidable if you follow two very simple rules: 1.
Don't care too much. 2. Shut up. Everything unfortunate that has ever
happened to me has stemmed from failure to follow one of the rules.
4) History doesn't have curfew.
5) there's nothing wrong with me that I can fix.
6) That's the thing about Tiny: his problems are so huge that yours
can hide behind them.
7) "If you can't trust your gut then what can you trust?" And I say,
"You can trust that caring, as a rule, ends poorly," which is true.
Caring doesn't sometimes lead to misery. It always does.
8) Jesus. Stay calm, Tiny. You just need to go to sleep, baby.
Tomorrow makes everything a little better.
9) i am constantly torn between killing myself and killing everyone
around me.
those seem to be the two choices. everything else is just killing
time.
10) i feel bad for her \ i do. a damn shame, really, that i had to
have a mother. it can't be easy having me for a song. nothing can
prepare someone for that kind of disappointment.
11) i do not say 'good-bye.' i believe that's one of the bullshittiest
words ever invented. it's not like you're given the choice to say 'bad-
bye' or 'awful-bye' or 'couldn't-care-less-about-you-bye.' everytime
you leave, it's supposed to be a good one. well, i don't believe in
that. i believe (i) against(i) that.
12) she tries, and that's what makes it so pathetic. i just want to
say, 'i feel sorry for you, really i do.' but that might start a
conversation, a conversation might start a fight, and then i'd feel so
guilty i might have to move away to portland or something.
i need coffee.
13) at some point last year, her gloom met my doom and she thought it
was a good match.
14) i have no idea why anyone would want to become a teacher. i mean,
you have to spend the day with a group of kids who either hate your
guts or are kissing up to you to get a good grade. that has to get to
you after a while, being surrounded by people who will never like you
for any real reason. i'd feel bad for them if they weren't such
sadists and losers. with the sadists, it's all about the power and the
control. they teach so they can have an official reason to dominate
other people. and yhr losers make up pretty much all the other
teachers, from the ones who are too incompetent to do abything else to
the ones who want to be their students' best friends becayse they
never had friends when they were in high school.
15) when i look at the guys and girls at the other tables, i wonder
what they could possibly have to say to each other. they're all do
boring and they're all trying to make up for it by talking louder. i'd
rather just sit here and eat.
16) if therefs anything stupider than buddy lists, itfs lol. if
anyone ever uses lol with me, i rip my computer right out of the wall
and smash it over the nearest head. i mean, itfs not like anyone is
laughing out loud about the things they lol. i think it should be
spelled loll, like what a lobotomized personfs tongue does. loll.
loll. i canft think any more. loll. loll!
or ttyl. bitch, youfre not actually talking. that would require actual
vocal contact. or <3. you think that looks like a heart? if you do,
thatfs only because youfve never seen scrotum.
(rofl! what? are you really rolling on the floor laughing? well,
please stay down there a sec while I KICK YOUR ASS.)
17) i check my email and it's mostly spam. what i want to knwo is
this: is there really someone in the whole world who gets an email
from hlyywkrrs@hothotmail.com, reads it, and says to himself, "you
know, what i really need to do is enlarge my penis 33%, and the way to
do it would be to send $69.99 to that nice lady ilena at VIRILITY
MAXIMUS CORP via this handy internet link!" if people are actually
falling for that, it's not their dicks they should be worried about.
18) soon we were swapping pictures and mp3s and telling each other how
everything pretty much sucked, but of course the ironic part was that
while we were talking about it the world didn't suck as much. except,
of course, for the part at the end when we had to return to the real
world.
19) i love that he knows who everyone is but nobody know who he is. if
i had actual friends that i felt i could talk to, this might causr
some conflict. but since right now there'd only need to be one car to
take people to my funeral, i think it's okay.
20) she doesn't believe in letting silence go. no, she has to fill it
up with talk. i want to tell her that's what the voices in your head
are for, to get you through all the silent parts. but she doesn't want
to be with her thoughts unless she's saying them out loud.
21) truth is, thinking about depression depresses the shit out of me
22) i never hoped for everything to get better \ only for one thing to
get better. and it never did. so eventually i gave up. i gave up every
single day.
but not with isaac. it scares me sometimes. wishing it to work.
23) i feel like my life is so scattered right now. like it's all these
small pieces of paper and someone's turned on the fan. but talking to
you makes me feel like the fan's been turned off for a little bit.
like things could actually make sense. you completely unscatter me,
and i appreciate that so much.
24) Jane: Yeah, well. Some people have lives; some people have music.
Me: And some people have neither.
25) I'm not asexual. I'm arelationshipal.
26) You like someone who can't like you back because unrequited love
can be survived in a way that once-requited love cannot.
27) because, here's the thing \ we're not that close. maura is the
kind of friend i enjoy swapping doomsday scenarios with. she's not,
however, someone who makes me want to prevent doomsday from happening.
28) still, i can't help thinking that 'getting a life' is something
only a complete idiot could believe. like you can just drive to a
store and get a life. see it in its shiny box and look inside the
plastic window and catch a glimpse of yourself in a new life and say,
'wow, i look much happier \ i think this is the life i need to get!'
takr it to the counter, ring it up, put it on your credit card. if
getting a life was that easy, we'd be one blissed-out race. but we're
not. so it's like, mom, your life isn't out there waiting, so don't
think all you have to do is find it and get it. no, your life is right
here. and, yeah, it sucks. lives usually do. so if you want things to
change, you don't need to get a life. you need to get off your ass.
29) all sorts of yayness floods my brain. love is such a drug.
30) she talks a lot about her problems in the past tense as a way to
convince us they're in the past. and maybe they are.
31) then there are nights like tonight, when the truth is what comes
out, because it's what we need the most. or maybe just one of us needs
it the most, but the other knows the right time to give it.
like now, when what i want most in the universe is to have him
beside me. he knows this...
32) boundbydad: and when you were ready, i'd kiss you once and lift
myself away, sit back on your bed and wait for you there, just so we
could lie there, and you could hold me, and i could hold you
boundbydad: and it would be so peaceful. completely peaceful. like the
feeling of sleep, but being awake in it together.
33) he is both the source of my happiness and the one i want to share
it with.
i have to believe that's a sign.
34) What do you think this is, eighteen thirty-two? When you like
someone and they like you, you fucking put your lips against their
lips and then you open your mouth a little, and then just a little
hint of tongue to spice things up. I mean, (i)God(i), Grayson.
Everybody's always got their panties in a twist about how the youth of
America are debaucherous, sex-crazed maniacs passing out handjobs like
they were lollipops, and you can't even kiss a girl who (i)definitely
likes you(i)?
35) Compromise is when you do what I tell you and I do what I want.
36) Great news for someone is always bad news for someone else.
37) at this moment, i want to jump ahead in time. or, if that doesn't
work, i'll settle for traveling back in time.
i want to jump ahead in time because in twenty hours i will be
with isaac in chicago, and i am willing to skip everything in between
in order to get to him faster. i don't care if in ten hours i'm going
to win the lottery, or if in twelve hours i'm going to get the chance
to graduate early from high school. i don't care if in fourteen hours
i am going to be jerking off and have the most life-altering orgasm in
all of unrecorded history. i would fast-forward past it all to be with
isaac instead of having to settle for thinking about him.
as for travelling back in time, it's really simple \ i want to go b
ack in time and kill the guy who invented math.
38) here's the thing about maura: it's always about her. always. now,
normally i don't mind this, because if everything's about her, then
nothing has to be about me. but sometimes her spotlight clinging drags
me in, and that's what i hate.
39) for the first time in my life i realize why hangers are called
hangers, because after fifteen minutes of trying things on and
throwing them aside, all i want to do is hook one to the top of my
closet door, lean my neck into the loop, and let my weight fall. my
mother will come in and think it's some autoerotic asphyxiation where
i didn't even have the time to get my dick out, and i won't be alive
to tell her that i think autoerotic asphyxiation is one of the dumbest
things in the whole universe, right up there with gay republicans.
40) i'm later than a pregnant girl's period
41) i close my eyes. and i scream. if my whole world is going to crash
down around me, then i am going to make the sound of the crashing. i
want to scream until all my bones break.
42) i get it now. i get it. the things you hope for the most are the
things that destroy you in the end.
43) The English language has a long and storied history. And in all
that time, no one has ever asked a "random question" about
"epiphanies" for "no reason." "Random questions" are the least random
of all questions.
44) Look, you're right. Maybe I don't like you the way someone should
like you. I don't like you in the call-you-and-read-you-a-poem-every-
night-before-you-go-to-bed way. I'm crazy, okay?
45) I've never known before what it feels like to (i)want(i) someone \
not to want to hook up with them or whatever, but to (I)want(i) them,
to want (i)them(i). And now I do. So maybe I do believe in epiphanies.
46)
To: The Locker Houdini
From: Will Grayson
Re: An Expert in the Field of Good Boyfriends?
Dear Jane,
Just so you know: e. e. cummings cheated on both of his wives. With
prostitutes.
Yours,
Will Grayson
47) it runs afoul of what i call the birdshot rule. you know, how
people say it's good luck if a bird shits on you? and people believe
it! i just want to grab them and say, 'dude, don't you realize this
whole superstition was made up because no one could think of anything
else good to say to a person who'd just been shit upon?' and people do
that all the time \ and not with something as temporary as birdshit,
either. you lose your job? great opportunity! failed at life? there's
only one way to go \ up!
48) i have to let go of some other things in order not to crash right
into the ground. i no longer give a fuck. i mean, i didn't think i
gave a fuck before. but that was amateur not-giving-a-fuck. this is
stop-at-nothing, don't-give-a-fuck freedom.
49) when things break, it's not the actual breaking that prevents them
from getting back together again. it's because a little piece gets
lost \ the two remain ends couldn't fit together even if they wanted
to. the whole shape has changed.
50) i will admit there's a certain degree of giving a fuck that goes
into not giving a fuck. by saying you don't care if the world falls
apart, in some small way you're saying you want it to stay together,
on your terms.
51) Not that smart. Not that hot. Not that nice. Not that funny.
That's me: I'm not that.
52) I think about how much depends upon a best friend. When you wake
up in the morning you swing your legs out of bed and you put your feet
on the ground and you stand up. You don't scoot to the edge of the bed
and look down to make sure the floor is there. The floor is always
there. Until it's not.
53) okay, so this is the reality: he is here. he is real. we are real.
54) this is what i never allow myself to need.
and of course i've been needing it all along.
55) i had no doubt that tiny (i) thought (i) he got depressed, but
that was probably because he had nothing to compare it to. still, what
could i say? that i didn't just (i) feel(i) depressed \ instead, if
was like the depression was the core of me, of every part if me, from
my mind to my bones? that if he got blue, i got black? that i hated
those pills so much, because i knew how much i relied on them to live?
no, i couldn't say any of this. because, when it all comes down to
it, nobody wants to hear it. no matter how much they like you or love
you, they don't want to hear it.
56) i think the idea of a 'mental health day' is something completely
invented by people who have no clue what it's like to have bad mental
health. the idea that your mind can be aired out in twenty-four hours
is kind of like saying heart disease can be cured if you eat the right
breakfast cereal. mental health days only exist for people who have
the luxury of saying 'i don't want to deal with things today' and then
can take the whole day off, while the rest of us are stuck fighting
the fights we always fight, wtj no one really caring one way or
another, unless we choose to bring a gun to school or ruin the morning
announcements with a suicide.
57) i'll break it down for you. (i)easy(I) \ with no difficulty
whatsoever. (i)for you(i) \ the opposite of 'for me'. (i) to say(i) \
to vocalize, sometimes ad nauseam. you have it so good that you don't
realize that when you have it bad, it's not a choice you're making.
58) i want to tell him: nobody ever told me how to deal with things
like this. shouldn't letting go be painless if you've never leaned how
to hold on?
59) minutes have to pass before i can admit that, yes, even though i
tell myself i'm feeling nothing, it's a lie. i want to say i'm feeling
remorse or regret or even guilt. but none of those words seem like
enoug. what i'm feeling is shame. raw, loathing shame. i don't want to
be the person i am. i don't want to be the person who just did what i
did.
60) need is never a good basis for any relationship. it has to be much
more than that.
61) NO. No no no. I don't want to (i) screw (i) you. I just (I) love
(i) you. When did who you want to screw become the whole game? Since
when is the person you want to screw the only person you get to love?
It's so stupid, Tiny! I mean, Jesus, who even gives a fuck about sex?!
People act like it's the most important thing humans do, but come on.
How can our sentient fucking lives revolve around something (i)slugs
(i) can do. I mean, who you want to screw and whether you screw them?
Those are important questions, I guess. But they're not (i)that(i)
important. you know what's important? Who would you (i) die(i) for?
Who do you wake up at five forty-five in the morning for even though
you don't even know why he needs you? Whose drunken nose would you
pick?!
62) When you date someone, you have the markers along the way, right:
You kiss, you have The Talk, you say the Three Little Words, you sit
on a swing set and break up. You can plot the points on a graph. And
you check up with each other along the way: Can I do this? If I say
this, will you say it back?
"Buf with friendship, there's nothing like that. Being in a
relationship, that's something you choose. Being friends, that's just
something you are."
63) i start holding my breath, not like you do when you pass a
graveyard or something like that. no. i'm trying to see how long i can
do it before i pass out or die. it's a really convenient pastime \ you
can do it pretty much anywhere. class. lunch. at the urinal. in the
discomfort of your own room.
the sucky part is that the moment always comes when i take the
next breath. i can only push myself so far.
64) c'mon, will \ you know there's no such thing as a complete lie.
there's always some truth in there.
65) the blackness has disappeared now. there's sadness instead.
66) i want to say to her: i just want to be myself. and i want to be
with someone who's just himself. that's all. i want to see through all
the performance and all the pretending and get right to the truth. and
maybe this is the most truth that maura and i will ever find \ an
acknowledgment of the lie, and of the feelings that fell behind it.
67) i just want you to be happy. if that's with me or with someone
else or with nobody. i just want you to be happy. i just want you to
be okay with life. with life as it is. and me, too. it is so hard to
accept that life is falling. falling and landing and falling and
landing. i agree it's not idea. i agree.
68) but there is the word, this world phil wrayson taught me once:
weltschmerzt. it's the depression you feel when the world as it is
does not line up with the world as you think it should be. i live in a
big goddamned weltschmerz ocean, you know? and so do you. and so does
everyone. because everyone thinks it should be possible just to keep
falling and falling forever, to feel the rush of the air on your face
as you fall, that air pulling your face into a brilliant goddamned
smile. and that (I)should(I) be possible. you (i) should (i) be able
to fall forever.
69) because i have spent my life falling. not the kind that tiny's
talking about. he's talking about love. i'm talking about life. in my
kind of falling, there's no landing. there's only hitting the ground.
hard. dead, or wanting to be dead. so the whole time you're falling,
it's the worst feeling in the world. because you feel you have no
control over it. because you know how it ends.
i don't want to fall. all i want to do is stand on solid ground.
70) maybe tonight you're scared of falling, and maybe there's somebody
here or somewhere else you're thinking about, worrying over, fretting
over, trying to figure out if you want to fall, or how and when you're
gonna land, and i gotta tell you friends that to stop thinking about
the landing, because it's all about fallingc myabe there is something
you're afraid to say, or someone you're afraid to love, or somewhere
you're afraid to go. it's gonna hurt. it's gonna hurt because it
matters.
miki
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